Pictured: King Charles being asked to drink hemlock

God save the King!

Charles is plunged into a deadly dilemma.

25th October, 2024.

It's been a hostile reception for King Charles at some overseas locations. From an 'indigenous' Australians to hostile Samoans, it has been a tour of Commonwealth nations that has proven to be both unsettling and dangerous.

The fact remains that although the King remains very popular with some of his country's previously used and abused subjects, there are those who are angry at historical colonial exploitation. "Enough is enough", some of them say. The King must prove himself worthy, and even 'godlike', if he is to remain as the principle perpetrator of British arrogance.

That aside, saying "sorry" is still not going to be good enough for those who feel aggrieved. They also expect to be adequately compensated for all the suffering that they, and their ancestors, have had to endure. "Your country has given billions in support to a little tyrant in Ukraine, so why not give some money to those who really deserve it". So said the man (referred to as 'Tut-Tut' by the natives) who approached the King as he sat on a 'throne' - one covered with an old stained blanket.

Tut-Tut then handed the King a bowl containing hemlock. "We would have given you some of our traditional poisonous brew, but in recognition of your Greek heritage, we offer you hemlock instead", he then added. "To earn our respect, prove you are more than a King, prove you are also a God - just like our supreme being, Tagaloa".

The King looked nervous as he pondered his options. Should he risk sipping the lethal concoction, and then hope to be given a quick remedy by his aides, or just make a run for it. If he refused, Tut-Tut would have chased after him and whacked him about the head with his weapons. The King tried to joke his way out of his predicament by saying: "I see that the civilised sport of cricket has reached this part of the world, in some manner or fashion". But this only served to enrage Tut-Tut even more, so during the turmoil that ensued, he, Camilla, and their entourage, beat a hasty retreat to the coast where they were met by members of a Royal Navy frigate which just happened to be patrolling nearby.

"Tut-Tut"

This is how the King's visit to Samoa ended - being unceremoniously chased away from the island in the most undignified way possible. "Bloody Hell", proclaimed the King as he finally found sanctuary. "I will not be coming back here in a hurry".

Sorry, Your Highness, but you just have to accept that dissent is growing in this part of the world and the old empire is well-and-truly dead. You are losing what diminishing respect that remains for you and you will never be able to retrieve it. "Give us the loot and then you can scoot", is the new catchphrase that is spreading like wildfire, and which he hears whenever he visits former colonies.

Fakir News has advice for the King. Stay at home where you can at least still enjoy the flag-waving of enthusiastic and servile supporters of the monarchy. After all, there's no place like home, is there?