Pictured: Increased security at sausage factories.

SOS! Save Our Sausages!

'Sir Rodney' acts to protect a British breakfast favourite.

25th September, 2024.

At the Labour Party conference in Liverpool on the 24th September, 2024, Keir Starmer (aka:'Sir Rodney') said that Hamas should return the "sausages". Hamas? Sounds like pork sausages, but never mind. Realising that Hamas agents could be anywhere in the world, and especially the UK and Europe, Sir Rodney has decided to ramp up security at British sausage factories - just in case any of our 'porky delights' should be taken 'saustage'.

To make matters worse, pigs in the UK are starting to fight back and are threatening to blow-up slaughter houses. Enough is enough, as one 'spokespig' told Fakir News. "No more pork on your fork", he added. "We have the right to a life as much as any other farm animal", he concluded.

The most volatile and aggressive of the piggy community have even set up their own group of freedom fighters, pigs which are prepared to go to any lengths to fight back at the establishment. They have threatened to stun, cut throats, and mince up anyone who gets in their way. Furthermore, it is suspected that they have also built their own secret processing plant to help finance their bloody activities ('Soylent Green' sausages for dinner?).

"Angry Pig"

Leader of this gang of violent animals is someone who simply describes himself as 'Angry Pig'. Dedicated to fighting for pig's rights, and according to rumours, he is claiming to be the 'Servant of the Swine'. Sometimes it is 'Protector of the Porkies', and he's only doing what any honest and self-respecting pig would do and that is fight to preserve his kind.

So, it is double jeopardy for anyone seeking to exploit pork products either by stealing them or by using them to put on the breakfast plates of the Great British public. So who is most at risk of incurring the wrath of these animals? One group of people who have become very nervous are street food retailers selling hot dogs. They run the daily risk of either being attacked by an angry mob of Brit-hating anti-Western foreigners, or renegade pigs. It's get beaten-up and have all of your stock taken away from you and held (as we say) 'saustage', or get fatally savaged and possibly be carried away by violent pigs to be processed and eventually eaten.

When challenged on providing greater security to all of those dealing in pork products, Sir Rodney simply said he cannot protect everyone. There are far too many people involved in the exploitation of pig products that it is impossible to guarantee safety for all concerned. But he did say that anyone who feels endangered would be fast tracked to receive a firearms licence. Feeling that many shop staff in takeaway eateries up-and-down the country would be nervous being in possession of a firearm, larger retailers are hiring private security firms to protect their premises and their staff.

Is this what society has been reduced to? Being forced to hide away while munching on a bacon and / or sausage buttie (with or without ketchup)? Where will this all end, we ask?

Pictured: Awaiting deportation.

Old people to no longer be a problem.

Off to the South of France for all of them!

27th August, 2024.

The Labour Party was facing a big problem this coming Winter. What to do with all of those pensioners who risk freezing to death because they are going to lose their Winter Heating Allowance.

It is no secret that Labour Party leader, 'Sir Rodney', has been negotiating with French President, Emmanuel Macron, for the UK to re-enter the European Union. One of the deals that Sir Rodney hopes to strike is for the French to accept all of the UK's vulnerable pensioners and to relocate them to locations in the South of France. It will not cost the French a single Euro due to the fact that those who go to live there will still receive their UK pension.

In return for accepting them, the pensioners will replace all of the illegal immigrants who will be now be deported. While this will leave France with a shortage of farm workers, they will be replaced by those arriving from the UK. Sir Rodney says it is good that UK pensioners go back to work in exchange for a life in a warmer climate. Ultimately, the UK wins, France wins (a free labour force), and life expectancy of the pensioners will drop dramatically and save the UK government a great deal of expenditure on future pension payments.

The UK's most needy pensioners have already received letters informing them of the plan to deport them. Others will eventually get the same letters as well - so they can prepare for their new lives away from the freezing cold conditions in the UK that would shorten their lives even further. Now they can expect to live a year or two longer.

Can the French absorb all of the UK's pensioners? Not all at once, no. A steady flow will arrive in the coming years. Those lucky enough to survive the Winter here in the UK will be prioritised according to physical condition. Some will die out naturally, and some will find other ways of avoiding deportation. But the majority will leave, sooner or later. By gradually managing the flow of pensioners away from the UK, the French will not become overwhelmed.

Another benefit for the UK is that those living in social housing can now make their properties for some of those those illegal immigrants who will arrive from France. This was part of the deal. President Macron feels that the UK is better equipped (under the new Government) to deal with this problem. Not that Sir Rodney will accept more illegal immigrants entering the country for any considerable length of time. A fleet of barges (similar to the 'Bibby Stockholm') will be used to deport them, not to Rwanda, but to the Falkland Islands. Those who survive the journey will be given warm clothing, camping equipment and food rations upon their arrival in this part of the world. Beyond this, the UK Government does not care. How will they survive beyond this point? Simple! The UK will simply hand the Falklands back to Argentina, and then all the illegal immigrants will become that country's problem.

"Sorted", as Sir Rodney would say.

Pictured: Joe Biden and the Earth.

Joe Biden switches off (part of) the internet!

Keeps hearing voices in his head.

20th July, 2024.

Poor old Joe. Wherever he goes, he hears voices in his head telling him to "stand down".

So, in an act of desperation, he enters his very own 'National Security' Office situated in the private nuclear bunker under the West Wing of the White House. This is where he can control the internet in various parts of the world. He flicks the switch marked 'Western World' and decides to turn off the internet - in the belief that the voices he can hear are coming from this digital medium.

Total chaos ensues as major industries and institutions around the world suffer catastrophic failures. But Joe appears to remain blissfully unaware of what he has done, and emphatically denies he is responsible for this terrible incident. In fact, and when challenged on this matter, he looks up in the air and says "let's all whistle Dixie".

As a further attempt to protect himself from what he calls "psychowaves" coming over the internet and being transmitted by Russia and China, he dons a tin foil hat to stop them entering his brain.

He has also taken to wearing ear plugs as he imagines his closest associates also whispering to him to give up the race for another four years as President. He will not also answer the phone on his desk when it rings for fear of hearing the same haunting voices, and has virtually cut himself off from all forms of communication - except one. Anyone wishing to speak to him must now use pre-approved message boards shown to him in his office. It was supposed to be the teleprompter he previously had installed, but Joe felt this was also in danger of being hacked.

Visitors to the White House also have to be briefed NOT to mention the upcoming Presidential election and to keep questions simple and related purely to his domestic life. Matters of national and international importance are now being fielded by Barack Obama, and less important issues by his wife, Jill.

The bottom line here is that Joe is now virtually a recluse, only venturing out when he feels he is safe from any questioning that taxes his over-stressed mind. Topics such as his favourite flavour of ice cream are acceptable. But anything that reminds him of Donald Trump causes his brain to freeze and his eyes glaze over. Similarly, the names 'Putin' and 'Jinping' are also strictly prohibited.

Will Joe make it two consecutive terms as President? If he chooses not to run, there is talk of possibly replacing him with artificial intelligence (eg. Kamala Harris). As this would be a considerable improvement on the faculties that Joe has demonstrated to date, it could become a reality. Note: Edited 23rd September, 2024.

Pictured: The Pope and his new band.

The Bishop of Rome gets ready to tour.

He's looking to become more popular than Taylor Swift.

24th June, 2024.

He had to do something! An increasingly worried Pope decided it was time to try and restore his popularity in the face of a 'Taylor Swift onslaught'.

Seeing how the female pop star was drawing extemely large crowds, the Pope was worried that his influence would wane, and possibly even be diminished to the point nobody would listen to him again.

Being at a loss of how to cope with this situation, his closest advisors suggested that rather than compete with his opponent, he should follow their example. In other words, and as the old saying goes, if you can't beat them, join them.

Having espoused some revolutionary ideas in the past, he thought, why not? And so he got together with his most senior cardinals to 'brainstorm' ideas of how best to join the trend and portray himself as a popular musical performer. Hence, the idea that the Pope should head a new band came to be realised.

A number of names were suggested for this musical concept, but the Pope chose 'Fabulous Francis and the Jiving Jesuits'. The next step was to write songs that would resonate with his followers.

The first four songs on their new album are 'Rock da Flock', 'Cathedral Cool', 'Stay and Pray', and, most appropriately, 'Shift from the Swift'.

It remains to be seen how successful this experiment will be. But it has captured the imagination and attention of the world of popular music, and he and his band's performances will be closely followed and scrutinised.

Pictured: The disgruntled 'Village Idiot' applicant.

Who is this mystery man who tried to trick village officials?

Was heard grumbling, moaning and muttering something about vengeance.

4th May, 2024.

In an interview to become a 'Village Idiot' ("idiot"), an applicant could not prove his identity and therefore was automatically disqualified. The opportunity to take up this vacant position only arose because the previous idiot had left to take up another job as a policy advisor to the Tory Party.

The selection process was not an easy one. Although the mystery man showed admirable levels of stupidity, ignorance and a complete lack of awareness of the world around him, he could not prove that he wasn't already an idiot in another village, and was looking to illegally supplement his income. These are the rules for becoming an idiot. You have to register in just one village and not look for identical work elsewhere. This is because it deprives other candidates for the post at a time when there is a surplus of idiots in the UK. This is especially true of the Westminster area of London where most idiots appear to gather in an old and decrepit building near to the famous 'Big Ben' clock.

It is also rumoured that this man appeared to be similar in features to someone who works several days each year as an illiterate farm worker who specialises in spreading manure - in an undisclosed country somewhere in the Baltic region of Eastern Europe. This was according to several eye witnesses who had visited this part of the world in recent years and thought that this person bore a striking resemblance to the mystery man. This suspicion was further backed up when these witnesses also said the mystery man was making stupid noises similar to those used by idiots throughout the UK.

This is all that we know based on what has been told to us at Fakir News. Maybe the mystery man will turn up somewhere else in the near future and try once again to swindle his way into a position of trust. Who knows?